misterjohnson

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 06:49:55 GMT

OK. Awesome. I have an EEG monitor strapped to my head for a while, and I can't sleep, so I've been sitting in the dark with my eyes open listening to music and remembering. I figure relatively few people in my circles still check their LJ friends' pages with any regularity, so I just kind of want to ramble.

After I finished Heart of Darkness, I tried to sleep, and felt the urge to listen to Lateralus. I remember, it was damn near four years ago, I was given an assignment in Mrs. Butler's freshman English class to pick out a poem that I liked and read it out loud in class, and I picked Lateralus. At the time, it meant so much more to me than it does now. It was a testament to transcendence, musically and lyrically something that helped me believe that there was, truly, beauty, hope, love, heaven. Now, it's a good song, and a trigger for fond memories.

When I read the song aloud, I remember being unable to contain the rhythm and music of it. I half-sang, half-recited it, and swayed to the music in my head. I couldn't help it. I believed it.

Four years (Only four years?) later, I honestly couldn't tell you what I believe. I am spiritually formless. I still have some sense of the profound, but it's dark and foreboding, the way the mysteries of death are profound. Where did that light go? The closest remaining thing, I think, is my entrepreneurial spirit, my conniving greed. It's a lot like that lightness of spirit that I used to have, but is entirely material, finding hope only in the comforts that financial security bring.

But even that isn't really security. All the money I had made and stood to make just a week ago couldn't prevent me from finding temporary solace in perfect numbness and waking up with a shattered body and a sense of defeat, once again broke and in someone else's care.

While I don't now deny the importance of being materially set, I am again considering that I might need something else to feel secure, much less happy.

And yes, Ben, as much as you might hate to admit it sometimes, that occasional mania, sense of power, confidence, invincibility, is not happiness, not by any stretch. Not when it's so dependent on how things around me are going, not when it's so short-lived, and not when I other wise feel very little. I've even been asking myself occasionally lately if I'm capable anymore of tender love, that kind that makes someone so defined yet so soft in the mind's eye. I've been asking myself if I can really feel inspired again, like I used to feel when I listened to Tool, or like I felt as a child when I prayed and felt my soul drenched in Divine beauty.

Do I have any acceptable answer? "Yes" and "No" seem pretty straightforward, but neither seems satisfactory. I want to say YESYESYES, I want to feel that again, perfectly and without reservation, but a part of me says No, that nothing can be so pure, that what I want to believe might not be true, that my hopes are delusions.

I even remember being all into Ayn Rand, thinking "This is it! Finally, truth!" Even that felt pure. Was it all because of how young I was, was it naivete? Or is it true that the drugs have torn through something and permanently hollowed out parts of me? I want to think that I've just lost my direction, that the breakneck change of the past few years and the smoky, speedy, dopey haze has just temporarily clouded my mind.

Maybe the hope that I can still feel like that is proof enough that I can. As I typed these last few words, though, I sighed, and worried that all I'll ever be able to do is remember how it felt to truly believe.

Fuck

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 21:58:16 GMT

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,
she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I really like the Rufus version of that song. It's called "Hallelujah," FYI.

Fuck homelessness.
Fuck cops.
Fuck cops who steal the money that would have gotten me by.
Fuck showering in the Kinesiology building, hoping nobody says anything.
Fuck being told to get all of my shit out when I've repeatedly told them that I have absolutely nowhere to put it.
Fuck Housing for threatening to junk my computer, fridge, and everything and charge me a fine for doing it.
Fuck not being able to go to class.
Fuck hauling around everything in two bags and hurting my shoulders.
Fuck the law.
Fuck spontaneous public crying.

My parents found out about my arrest, and they're pissed. They don't know any details besides when and what. It's Mom's birthday, too. What a present. I don't know if they'll let me stay until an apartment comes through, but if they do, it'll still be nothing but awkward conversation and being told how dumb I am.

I'm glad I have friends who will at least house me for a night. But I don't want to intrude, so I'm not going to ask them anymore. If it comes to it, I'll call the shelter tomorrow. The university has a counseling office. I went in Friday, and I talked to Dr. Hebert for something like an hour and a half. I left smiling, rare now. She had me feel, at least for a little while, that everything is going to be okay. I've really believed that unwaveringly for months, that no matter what, something inherently loving would help. I stopped for a while, and I don't even know if I believe it now.

I don't think I've really smiled or laughed more than an acknowledging chuckle for days. I haven't felt good at any point, unless I was stoned senseless. There was a 2-for-1 special on Malboros, so I bought two packs of reds, and I smoke them when I want to feel something.

The average American male speaks something on the order of 15,000 words a day. I don't think I've broken 200 yet. I guess I needed to type something. There doesn't seem to be anyone to talk to, really. I understand that even the people who sympathize can't even really offer much more than "Dude, that sucks" or "I hope it gets better." At least it's not "Pot is bad and you're dumb for using it." That totally misses the point.

The point being: About an hour ago, I felt a stinging on my face, and it turned out to be a bug. When I flicked it off, I hoped that it was poisonous, and I would go to the hospital, and I'd have a guaranteed place to sleep tonight, and they would make me senseless or knock me out for a few days, and I wouldn't have to think or move or care until I woke up.

I'm worn down. I know, there's a lot worse that could happen. But I'm worn down. I'm not me. I don't see beauty or humor. The only love I have is for my parents, and I've avoided telling them about it all because I can't break their hearts again. But now it's too late, and I don't know what's going to happen.

I am eating cheez-its

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 07:26:22 GMT

I am hungry.

It is time for Le Snak

sigh

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 01:25:08 GMT

im on 1a right now. 110a. nice, bland, empty room. yum. this is intensely depressing.

know what else is? the distinct possibility of going home. like fuck i'm staying with my parents. tope la, here i come. i dont know if id bother finishing at hhs, or if id just go straight to ged in january or whatever.

its halfway nice that i just feel really tired and numb. i dont really feel the full brunt of the situation. maybe i should. but i dont. but i feel like it might be coming. weird tightness/heaviness right above my stomach.

i just hope everything works out.

Yum

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 03:12:45 GMT

It's so weird that when so much goes to complete shit, everything can somehow be absolutely perfect.

I guess things tend to work out like they need to. For me at least, and for those around me, I hope.

The weather's getting chilly and the sky's staying blue and slightly cloudy and surprisingly filled with contrails. And despite the fire, there still must be so much to explore, and places to just be. People and candles lit and minds and flashlights on and hands and minds wandering. I think everything is going to be just fine.

Oh, what a world.

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 03:19:43 GMT

so am i just drunk or completely numb?

Ah hell say what?

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 04:53:08 GMT

not really been keeping up on this whatzit.

and how strange, since it's been so much more eventful. summer? glad I lived through that. I still don't know if that was worth it. I'd do it all again. she's a seductive bitch, that colombian child.

school? not too bad. weekends make up for the week. and the week isnt necessarily bad.

i just feel like a drifter. not sure of what i'm doing or why i'm doing (or why i would). sometimes i think i know. sometimes its apocalyptic and i'm on fire and the structure is intolerable, and sometimes it's all about the lysergicised agrarian sustenance community waysaways away. still up-and-down at a pindrop, but i get respite in the comfortably numb times.

but then again

whoaaaa, im not goin back

!

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 17:54:22 GMT

Tool's new album is coming out on May 2. "10,000 Days." At least they didn't call it "10,000 Fists."

It looks so badass.

Lame

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 09:07:33 GMT

This is the lamest update ever.

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 12:21:09 GMT

Fun fact: the dorm internet comes on for like an hour or two really early in the morning.

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 16:31:22 GMT

It's Christmas. So I think I'll chide various passers-by for being slaves to the corporate consumerist monster that tells the public to "Buy! Buy! Buy!"

Won't I be the joy of the plane ride?

On that note, today's Google banner scared me. It's a picture of a mouse that's powering a neon "Google" sign by running in one of those hamster wheels. A cat is cheering him on. I'm sensing a sarcastic "We own you" subtext.

I'll be in 'Frisco until next Saturday. Fare thee well, children.

Boredom: It is time for quiz

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 00:17:24 GMT

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Religious	\|\|	10%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Dependency	\|\|	10%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	64%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 06:31:01 GMT

Yeah. Okay.

I'm in a really weird mood. I'm in Hammond now. My dorm room is so dandy, though. It has a corner for me. But I have a computer now, and it'll go in my corner, Au coin.

It's halloween time again. I hope nobody's expecting to be the same kind of great as last year.

Why do I update this thing anymore?

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 21:06:19 GMT

I've reached the fullest limit of my apathy.

Fuck you.

yeah

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 22:07:51 GMT

People call at weird times, so here's when I can reasonably take calls:

Monday and Wednesday: 3PM - 5:15PM, 10PM-Midnight
Tuesday and Thursday: 3:30PM-5:15PM, 10PM-Midnight
Friday: 3PM-5:15PM, 10PM-2AM
Saturday: Noon-5AM
Sunday: Noon-Midnight

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 17:30:32 GMT

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=3650197

*Jizz*

Something to put here:
10 things that give me a moment of joy or something (In no particular order):
1. Listening to a really funky, trippy-type song.
2. Orgasms
3. A chai with some chocolate in it.
4. Figuring out how to work a new gadget
5. Rocking out
6. Michelle
7. A really deep conversation
8. Reading in my room at like 7AM with no sleep and incense burning
9. Going really fast on my bike during a really oppressive storm
10. Staring at myself naked in the mirror

Scheduling stuff

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 17:42:49 GMT

Anyone who has Visual Basic first semester, tell me what time you have it.

Anyone who has American History second semester with Dr. Rohr, tell me what time you have it.

If anyone wants to mess with schedules, ask me and we can maybe talk about trading.